So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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