Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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