I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Randomize
