ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
