i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
