I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She even gives head with a lisp.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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