I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
