I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
