I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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