life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
