Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
