Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
