i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
