I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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