Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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