im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
