remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i believe in u and ur pee
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
