lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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