Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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