I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
