last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
