I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
