Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
