Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I had to cum in my sink.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
