My hair reeks of homosexuality.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
