waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize