My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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