I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
