Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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