What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize