My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
