dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
