It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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