She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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