I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
