you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
