Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
