We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
