Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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