..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
