my phone needs a breathalizer
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
