I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize