I think my vagina is haunted
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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