really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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