My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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