apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
