We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
