Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
