I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
