I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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