just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
