: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
