i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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