Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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