I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
