i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
